Machine Gun Drug Store
When we last left off, I was on my way to Bali. I went with the naive notion that traveling around the world to a stunning location with healing waters would do just that. We arrived in the late afternoon and, if you have ever traveled in Indonesia, you know how crazy the traffic is there, especially at rush hour. Honestly it is the motor scooters that are the most shocking. People with children, babies, their wives, bags of rice and laundry are all piled on one scooter darting in and out of traffic like nothing I had ever seen. Arriving at the airport was chaotic, the trafficwas chaotic; the 18 hours across the world? Well that felt downright luxurious after our trip from the airport to the villa where we would be staying.
Dinner was lovely and I got to know our host and his amazing staff. Let me stop here and say that I understand the privilege of this journey. I was traveling with good friends on an all expense paid trip AND staying at the home of a successful Swiss business man. We all new each other from New York and it was great to see him on his own turf. The week before this trip I had walked out of my own home for the last time and was feeling unsettled, uprooted and lost. His hospitality was salve. The next morning over breakfast, decisions were being made about the activity of the day. Mostly folks just wanted to lay by the pool and relax as we were all dealing with jet lag. There were two options:
1. Go into Ubud and run errands. This involved traffic, scooters and lots of people, more chaos
2. Lay by the pool and have the staff care for your every need.
As I sat and listened to the conversation at the breakfast table I began to panic. If I sat by the pool I would be alone with myself........I best go to town. So off we went darting through traffic, double parking on narrow roads while we ran and got mundane every day things. I walked into the drugstore and a man with a machine gun greeted me. Suddenly I was 35 again and lost in the Mexican desert with a man I loved. We we were pulled over by a van full of “police.” In reality they were boys with machine guns looking for your money or drugs. In that moment my boyfriend was instructing me to be calm, they would tear the car apart and we would give them cash and it would be ok........so I slid out of the truck in my little string bikini and smiled. “HI!” I said to the young man with the very large gun. I stood aside while other men tore through the vehicle and he held me at gunpoint. Just as my friend had predicted they found nothing, we paid them, got back in the truck and took off to find a main road and the American boarder.
Now here I am again faced with a young man and a machine gun. I smiled, bought shampoo, said goodbye to him and left. When I got to the car I remarked to our driver that people sure took their toiletries seriously here.
“What?!....NO. A drugstore does not usually have a man with a machine gun posted at the door.”
..............................................”interesting”..........................................................
When we got back to the villa my friends were all soaking in the sun with a glass of wine by the infinity pool that seemed to disappear into the jungle.
Ok, I guess I should join them. I got my suit and walked down.
“Miss Sue would you like a glass of wine?”
In my mind I was like, Dude I am about to sit alone with my thoughts, do you have anything stronger?
“Yes, that sounds lovely, thank you”
I set my mind to finding monkeys in the trees. Anything at all to keep me from touching the emotion that I had come here to process. The anxiety that burned inside me as I tried to keep myself in check lived right under the surface. I was afraid if I felt it all, really let myself feel the many thing that someone was working so hard to make me feel, I would break. I realized in that moment I was more comfortable at the machine gun drugstore than I was by this infinity pool. It dawned on me that healing was not going to be a singular trip to healing waters or a blessed new ritual, it was going to be a life practice. All I needed to really figure out was how to start.
It is now 5 months later and I feel the dawn of a new life. The most powerful steps have beenthe smallest. The day I went for a walk on the beach for the first time was shockingly painful. I had physically been holed up for almost 19 months, outside of serving the needs of my mom and simply trying to stay above ground. I had no stamina and my body hurt, but here I was watching sunsets over the ocean a few blocks from my new home.
“Just walk that far, you can do it.”
I am starting to breathe. Now I walk a mile down the beach every day. That is my victory so far - moving again. I never did see monkeys in that poolside jungle but I walked away thinking that maybe it was time to replace the men with machine guns for something else. Lets get comfortable with fixing the small pieces of heart and actually realize eminent harm when we are standing in its frey.One day I will go back to Bali and sit peacefully by that pool. Until then I am taking one step ata time.