Stay

There are moments when life feels as if it is forged in the flame. Like we are standing on the precipice of the great and new and the wolves are circling at the same time. I feel like that. I see the amazing, powerful future but I dare not be made of anything but metal as annihilation, my personal mental foe, is waiting, always breathing in my ear……….like a really bad lover…..TMI but I don’t like anyone to blow in my ear; I don’t like fans blowing me, open car windows, convertibles, and am only now discovering the real benefit of a ceiling fan. That said, the flame has worn me out. Last January I was talking to a dear friend on the phone. He asked how I was… how I really was. I told him.

“I’m not good. I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

My life had been so attacked, and on top of that, caring for Mom took a lot from me. Everything was changing on a dime and I had very little control. He listened quietly and said he was there for me and he loves me and we said goodbye.

Ten minutes later he called back.

“I booked you a trip. It isn’t until June, so now you have to stay, cause we are going to Bali. I think you will heal there.”

It’s June, and I am headed to Bali. Life has continued to be challenging but I have met amazing people, formed new friendships and really begun to see the people who lead their lives from a place of “how can I help?” I think it is really just a vision shift. I have always had those people in my life. Now, I have more. Now, I see how I want to live. Don’t get me wrong I am a boundaried person, and I understand that to be graceful is often to be firm. The real grace is for the person beyond the offender. If I am compassionate with the person attacking my life, I leave room for them to keep going, to do it to someone else. By being strong in my stance against them, to hold them accountable, I am being graceful to the person they would victimize next. Honestly, it would be easier to just say, “Thank God that’s over,” and move on like it didn’t happen. But that is still just future me stuff……cause we have not caught them, it continues.

Civilized is taking a few weeks off. When I return from Bali we are launching as a subscription site. We do not advertise and if we did we would only do it for organizations that we feel align with our mission. We are not here to sell a beauty product or home good or spa anything. Will it do good for our human experience together? Does it matter? Those are the questions we will ask. But for now, come mid July, we hope you enroll as a subscriber. Currently, it will remain free.

I am excited to share the journey more deeply. To let everyone in on our secrets, create some magic and share our burdens together so maybe they get a little lighter.

I’m ready to lift the curtain we necessarily shrouded ourselves with over the last two months and get back to it. Our original mission statement was to create conversation on media about real life and our experiences, to share solutions with one another. We need that more than we need filtered perfection creating false images.

I have always tried to be honest, and to be honest, we have been holding back.  We will share where life has taken us and introduce you to some amazing people using their lives in powerful ways.

But for now I am off……..to Bali…… to heal. We will see you soon.