Housebreaking

I currently have the pleasure of gazing at the stars in the middle of the night. Right around 2 am I get up and take Hudson, my new puppy, out and we stare at the blanket of stars in the sky. We marvel at their brightness and wonder together  if it would ever be possible to count them. I wonder if we based disco on the night sky or at least the famed disco ball. We stare at the sillouhette of the trees in the darkness and listen to the peace of the creek rushing with out the audio interruptions of man. It is wonderful. Eventually we bring our heads back to  earths sight lines and head back inside. I have come to appreciate this time. It is a lot like shoveling snow in the hush of its blanket over the earth. Once back inside I give my puppy a treat and he walks into the living room and poops......so we discuss the issue and head back outside to marvel once again at the night sky the trees and the creek...... my puppy has it backwards. 

It has me wondering though how many times I have marveled at the beauty of God’s  gifts and then turn around and shit right there on my own life. Hmm. At first I contemplated a complete inventory of my lifes errors but came to the conclusion that it is unnessary. I don’t need to look back at my mistakes. I have spent the better part of 10 months identifying the roots of my adult behavior and removed, or at least repositioned those people and ideologies in my life. No I am not talking about romance I am talking about the very early behavior that dictates the choices we make in love or work or creativity.   I read inspiration cards all the time on social media about not making any more space for a toxic person, but honestly how did they get there? What leads us to someone whose chemistry is so wrong for ours? I find it is not so much the person as it is the learned behavior  woven into our DNA that really needs addressing. In another circumstance that person may have been a gift. We,or rather I, am the root that needs pruning. I have lots of dead roots that have a strangle hold. The root of “Not enough” has been the deepest root that strangles the truest me. I don’t need to inventory my life’s behavior. I know how the seed of my largest lie were planted as a child and every behavior after was colored by that. 

I am 53 years old and am standing for the first time as myself. I am not the me dressed in the lies of my hurt. I am me. It does leave me wondering how much strength I have, or courage or talent or color or joy. It makes me feel that midnight wind of Gods majesty and know that change is coming. How can it not? So I wont go back and inventory my life for missed or fucked up blessings. I will however stare at that beautiful sky with new eyes. I am grateful. I am curious, I have much less fear and I know that I am finally dressed in the armor of the woman I was meant to be. I will keep my eyes peeled for the blessing of you in my life and stare deeply looking at my future plans for greatness. It has taken me 53 years to finally not poop in my own living room. 

My little Hudson is just blown away by how cool and interesting the world is and forgets why we are standing there at all. He will get it, and I will keep getting up at 2 am grateful  for the night sky, asking God for courage to stay true to all that measures to my grace purpose here on earth. I know why I am here now. I can hear it. I am far from powerless and more than enough. That does not make it easy. But like little Hudson I will get up and try every night until one day I get it right. 

Tools:

I have been working with an amazing healer in New York City. Working with him is dangerous and revealing. I must say I was not prepared and am deeply grateful to have been directed to him. Every therapist along the way has done great things in the moment but this was a chance to dig much deeper. In doing so things buried so deeply have been revealed and released. Pure Freedom.