The ingredients of my candy coated shell.
There is a wall that keeps me looking through its window at the world I ache to touch. It is made up of my anxiety which is made up of my fear. Primarily my fear of annihilation, which, by the way, autocorrects to animaltunes... so it can’t be that scary. Annihilation though.. so dramatic. My fear of being wiped out conveniently excludes the things I have in love. In MY annihilation I am alone. No one saves me. I am not enough. I am however backed by an army of fears and they keep me good company. But fear is a lower emotion than love, and it’s company a lie, like sleeping with the enemy. It is only I that has given it more power. A small number of these shadow soldiers is healthy. But in the wrong hands, namely my own, they are the weapon of the White Witch of Narnia and I turn myself to stone.
What if I act in love first without hiding my head to shield from incoming bombs of perceived destruction? My little self reaching a hand toward humanity in hopeful gesture of connection. Would a hand reach back? Am I not alone? Would I find balance in the play of light and dark inside myself and move toward my ultimate fantasy and actually become a light filled superhero? Would I break free of my apocalyptic world?
I was recently asked if I loved myself... I had to think hard, still crouched in self protection. “Ummmmm” I Say, “The din in my head has long been clouded by survival. I held my breath a lot raising 3 kids alone. At that point it wasn’t just my survival, it was theirs as well. That was scary.” But they are grown now and my world is redefined. It seems unnecessary to hold that level of fear. My fear discounts my life and the fact that I have been shown over and over again that God is there.
So I push cautiously into it, now realizing how thin that wall really is. Its heaviness was a fiction. Actually, somehow I am reminded of the crackle shell on a dipped ice cream cone. It looks delicious and holds the soft ice cream inside, keeping it from melting to fast. But I want that! I want this life to melt my heart. I am leaning into the shell of my being harder now and realize that I can actually tumble right through. Suddenly my body tingles awash in sweetness. What took me so long? Whatever the reason, and there are lots for my chocolate self protection, I am so glad to just know there is yummy that exists if I have the courage to actually take a bite.