Sounds like popcorn feels like shatter
Darkness comes over me like a wall in the night. It's where I go to hurt myself. I see only a woman I don’t like, and I review her and sink further into some kind of paralysis. How and why dance in my head in a way I cannot answer or forget. When morning finally comes, and my wailing wall must recoil, my body snaps from top to bottom as I move. In my mind, it must be that enough space has now been opened to let sunshine through, and if I stood, light would pour through my skeleton like some crackled backlit humanity. It is the only way I can see the pain, justify the hurt. In a world where it is easy to ask, 'Why me? Why does my heart hurt? Why does my body ache?' a thousand million whys may only lead to one answer.
When you break open, light can shine through the cracks, and the darkness that holds you back is only a shadow now to the blindingness of purpose. I have prayed for this. Prayed to be light to other people, and here I am, standing broken, feeling lit. What now? I guess I should open my eyes and look.
It took leaving the country to see that I have been carrying a great sadness for years. Depression and anxiety can be artful dodgers. They hide well when you need to survive. It does not matter what you look like or what your social media projects; anyone can hurt. Chronic pain can lead to emotional pain, and life already has a way of dealing some rough blows. I’d like to say that turning 50 was only filled with perfect anti-aging creams and detox diets as a preservative to youth, but honestly, mental well-being is the perfect illuminator.
When I turned 50, I set a series of new goals. One was to be light to others. Now a few years in, I realize I have to accept and acknowledge my own brokenness and be willing in some way to share it, to be light. I am working on understanding and changing my body's chemistry to rebalance myself. I am trying to push past the paralysis I feel and reach out to others. My Mom always said, 'If you aren't here to help others, what are you here for?' Admittedly, I have not always aligned with that statement but have grown to understand that my giving through brokenness to our broken world may create a small joy that passes on and becomes the very light I seek