Sticks AND Stones
There has been a pause. That moment of silence when the childhood mantra “If you do not have anything nice to say, then do not say anything at all” rings in your head so loudly that you probably could not voice anything, even if you really wanted to. This round, I did not want to. I did not want to engage or respond or defend or buy into the trap being laid out before my family and I; so, I simply decorated all our doors with garlic strands and did not grant this energy vampire permission to enter. To be less cryptic- these past months have been filled with cyber bullying and stalking- grotesque letters written about my family and sent all over the country to many audiences.
Deciding to sport my therapist hat, I sat. I read. I pondered. What is this person looking to achieve or fulfill? What emotion are they experiencing that is fueling such negativity and hatred? What do they really want to say that they are masking and then working even harder to mask themselves and remain faceless? Keeping with the theme of vampires… Whose life are they really sucking, ours or their own? This bully, like many, wrote anonymous letters. Letters meant to cause harm. So let’s talk about the bigger issue at hand: cyber bullying, discrimination and mental health. Our “special mail” is vulgar but ultimately is structured by loosely strung together discriminatory messages. We are so blessed to have a good support system in each other and in our community. No one was shaken; no one has faltered here. And as I was consistently amazed by this, I was struck by the realization…
how.
fucking.
rare.
Here, the discrimination came in the form of cyber stalking, so I am homing in on the vehicle being used. Cyber bullying and stalking happens to young people and adults and can be extraordinarily dangerous to both. It is directly playing with the fire of the unknown in the most extreme way. Someone completely removed can hurl a grenade into a space with no true inclination of the recipient’s circumstances or mental health and then, and this part is key, not have to witness the impact. The mother-fucking explosion. The hot metal shards flying in all directions shredding away dignity, confidence, sense of self or safety. This type of bullying ensures there is no safe space by letting their opinion be accessible anywhere, anytime, or as an assaulting surprise with the ding of a comment on your media; as if all of our own intrusive thoughts aren’t mean enough.
We are seeing suicidal ideations and attempts double since 2008 (Plemmons et al,2018), and let’s keep in mind this quoted study is PRE-pandemic which impacted mental health significantly and how we live our lives online. Suicide rates skyrocket among those that are experiencing cyber bullying, doubling the likelihood that they would try to take their own life, (Hinduja & Patchin, 2018). Suicide has become the second leading cause of death according to the CDC. THE. SECOND. LEADING. CAUSE. And while it is not due to bullying alone, this is having a major impact. In my own practice, I see the lasting effects of bullying, in person and cyber, on long-term concepts of self-worth, acts of sustained self-harm behaviors, suicidal ideations and peoples’ interpersonal relationships. The isolation extends far beyond the act.
This is just surface level. Honestly, it’s barely a scratch. (But I am writing this in the cold clutch of Covid so… this is where we will start, with a digestible piece.)
We are so sorry and extend great love to other people who have experienced cruel comments or extreme bullying and stalking. We send love to those that feel they cannot speak up or out. You are not alone. I feel it important to stop and say that someone else’s keystroke is not your identity. It is not your value. If you have had or are having these experiences and are not sure what to do, we invite you to reach out in a private message. Let’s create community. Let’s battle these bold face lies and isolation with ferocious togetherness. I’m thrilled you are here.
Adalyn Wilson