Ghosts Of Insignificance
It’s been a long winters nap and my mind has wandered to more hopeful things…I spent an extraordinary amount of time this winter wondering where is the humanity in humanity? It felt darker than normal. The days seemed shorter and the air a bit heavier. Normally I am a winter person. I love the crisp air in sunshine and the sparkle of sun on snow. I like a good storm that leaves you at the stove cooking rich, delicious, sexy food all day while the wind howls and snow piles so high on your car you are glad there is nowhere that needs going. This year though, I literally had to take a break and retreat to quieter sunny places to reset my spirit. I kept wondering about the bad guys in the dark. How did we miss the pain of those who take guns into malls or schools or McDonald’s or Chucky Cheese or dance clubs? I wondered about the senselessness of making a drag queen taboo when children are dying in math class. I wondered about people who sit behind screens and hurl their pain at others. A Christian may say that they have forsaken God and an agnostic may say God has forsaken them. Me? I think we have forsaken each other. I am sorry to those whose pain I missed. I truly am. I am sorry if you hurt or need so deeply that the only way through is to make others feel the pain or rage you feel. Why is an irrelevant question. I know this because I ask with no audible answer. I realized I can not keep asking a question that I viscerally do not understand how there is no answer for, or at least there is no answer I can have. It is a waste of my time.
As I sat in the warm January sun south of home, watching my dogs ponder a change of zip code, I quietly came to the realization that the only thing to be done is radically change me. So cliche, I know, but we all have a particular brand of love to offer and it is time to accept the gifts that I have been given, instead of hiding behind unnecessary humility. Humility only keeps you from fully realizing yourself and why find out too late that there was so much more planned for you if only you had been less humble.
“Just” may just be the most crippling word in the English language.
I have the power to stop the lie of “small” or “not able” or “unseen” if I stop being “just” anything…..this is not modesty or arrogance. It is irresponsibility. Give yourself permission to be big. YOU have the permission to be big, it’s why we are here. You don’t need the validation of others to do it. You do not need to take others down to stand at the top of God’s glory. There is a much stronger place than the backs of those you hurt. I am not talking about mental illness, but honestly, those that seek to cause others harm may actually not be able to control the angry places they live from. The rest of us can. My job, your job, is not to reach in and harm the lives of others. That is a waste of me. I think that is the only moment God is truly sad. BUT if I set out to intentionally cause harm or know that I may inadvertently harm others then I should just fucking own it. “Today I am the bad guy, the asshole, the shit. Today I am the headline that rides to rock music.” But tomorrow…. I promise you are gone.
The rest of us can not live in fear of harm. The odd and counterintuitive thing is to learn about the magic of dying. Because then and only then are we free to live.
So, needless to say, I am glad it’s spring. Things are starting to bloom and the creek is sparkling. Life is getting loud and colorful. None of us are bulletproof it’s true, but living into that big potential may just create a shield.