58
Over the years on my birthday, I have tried to share the wisdom of the year because I think it is easy to overlook the beauty and strength of yourself when you swim through darkness. And last year was a tough swim. I cleaned out my childhood home and watched people pick through my history before my mother went into a memory care center. I sold the dream home I worked so hard for and relocated to a brand new place because an ongoing cyberattack left me too vulnerable to feel the safety it once offered.
This year required me to react to the ongoing harassment that nearly cost me my life and bled into the lives of my children and friends. So I was in this strange place where I was figuring out how to protect the hearts of those I love while struggling with grace for myself. There were many times I scrolled with eyes of comparison and felt less than for having to start again. I was also, on occasion, resentful because my former partner was shining and I was sitting outside a crap motel in Ohio trying to find a way out of a mess that is honestly meant for both of us.
As I scrolled through all the reminders of the life I was grieving, I remembered the importance of looking up every once in a while. And when I did, I found that the crap motel was actually on a field filled with birds singing in the golden hour. I took in the fresh air, which oddly reminded me of the first night I ever spent in Paris. I took a photo of the gorgeous sunset fading on the hills before wandering in search of dinner. Like a mirage in a desert, I found a Mexican restaurant at the bottom of the hill. I decided on chicken nachos because we all know that nachos can right so many of life’s wrongs. I returned to the hillside to watch my dogs play in the field before heading to bed. I will never forget the duality I held in my heart that night, part resentment with a side of simple pleasure. This was my turning point.
That was six months ago and since then I have begun a practice of looking for the magic in the pain. This is an ongoing process but so much of that was accelerated when I became a grandmother. I love watching my son be in love with his son and it fills me with hope to watch him honor his wife. I am also watching my other children lean into their passions and work through all the kinks of becoming who they were meant to be. Which is something I pray for every day. And I think, how does this get better? Friendship, new and old - that is how.
Every relationship fractured only strengthened the ones that were there all along and created space for new ones. These people surrounded me in the ways I needed and didn’t know I needed. Together, we celebrate the small and intentional steps we must take to stay sane in a world that sometimes feels crafted to make us crazy. I am deeply in love with these people and healed by the way we cheer on victories in our families, careers, or in our beds…..I will leave that last part alone as mine is primarily occupied by a Dachshund and a Shitzu. Though they do leave me a small sliver of mattress. And somehow, that makes me feel safe.
So at the end of 57, I am beginning a love story with this life and the time we have to walk here. I feel I have more wisdom to share than ever before but honestly, the only thing that matters is to live the life you were meant for. This life is a wild journey and the walls we build to protect us from the dark also keep out the light. There is more love than you know if you look up from the phone and see the magic surrounding whatever crap motel you may find yourself in.
And if there is ever any doubt, try getting a plate of nachos and sitting on a hillside in the sun. I guarantee you will be righted.
