Remembering I Love You

I had a groundhog day like conversation with my mom yesterday. The calls these days are often repeats of similar conversations. This time though, she asked if I have ever met my daughter in law and if my daughter had graduated yet. The answer to both of these questions is yes, many times and several years ago. But it caught me off guard. The questions were new. I have gotten used to starting at the top as the conversation winds down. I repeat information from moments before and Mom is always genuinely surprised, delighted and concerned the second time around. Sometimes I get frustrated. I want to have more than a simple conversation with her. I miss her. This time, as we finally said good bye I realized that it is all wrapped in the, ”I love you.” There is no conversation greater. Because I have the luxury of repeating myself, I hear the different ways we repeat the phrase to one another. It doesn’t really matter what else she remembers, she remembers that.

I think of how often we overlook all the love we always had. We get busy or down or feel alone, or honestly whatever, and forget that no matter what, there is an army of unseen angels in our lives loving us from a distance. Kind of like fairy dust lingering in the air. I’ve been making lists. Lists of people I love, need to reach out to, or that I know, even though they are far away love me too. Sometimes I am genuinely shocked at how many people there really are. If we became conscious of all the love we truly have, we might float through the air.

It is an interesting bookend, having a mother with memory issues. So many years ago, my youngest son lived with a brain injury that had me introducing myself to him daily. As a little boy I would kiss him awake as I put his warm clothes for the day under the covers so he could dress and stay cozy. As he opened his eyes I would tell him I love him and that I would be his mother today. It’s such a present thing, and what a gift, to be in a position to boldly say I love you daily. For it to be required, because there is no yesterday.

I no longer think about achieving a certain station in life, or accolades to garner. I don’t have the time for dusty trophies stale on a shelf or the thought of who is wrong and right. I want to speak my heart. The question that now lingers as this world goes round is: How do I love you, and how many ways can I say it on repeat.