The Weight of Togetherness
“Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year.”
Written by: Lee Mendelson, Vince Guaraldi
It’s Christmas time, cookie baking time, end of year cocktails with friends time, a bourbon alone with Johnny Matthis time, decadent dinners paired with wine time, and of course champagne and party time which comes with my least favorite time - resolution time. This is the point where nearly everyone swears off the indulgences of the holiday…..until next year. What if……………we just skipped that last part? What if we just enjoyed the holidays without having to punish ourselves for enjoying our lives? What would it be like to jump into the new year without the masochistic interior commentary? What if we began each year with gratitude for having something to celebrate? I am not advocating for an unhealthy lifestyle without any self reflection but I don’t think we can ignore that here in the US, we have manufactured an ideal body and then attached our value to that. And we do this without really asking WHO benefits from that? Who is manufacturing this thing that is driving women to plastic surgeons offices for thong lifts?
There is a show on MAX called Naked Attraction. Six people stand naked inside separate boxes and the front of the box lifts to reveal sections of each contestant’s naked body. One at a time folks are eliminated by the person “looking for love” based solely on attraction and then the front of the box raises up a little further. Repeat. The last thing revealed is the person's face. The one seeking love makes a final choice and off on a date they go. Now….I am not here to talk about the ethics of the show, I am simply an observer and this is what I took away….People compliment each other's body parts, even if they ultimately eliminate them.
This is not a selection of instagram perfection being served up on a platter - We will get there in a minute - What real people see as beautiful in one another is far different from what we have been conditioned to believe is beautiful. As I watched, I became aware of how hard I am on myself. Hard on myself for aging. Hard on myself for not weighing what I once did. Hard on myself for enjoying a traditional Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and dessert. This twisted way of thinking doesn’t allow for much freedom which doesn’t allow for much joy.
Once, while spending time with my young lover, I had a revelation. Well…. one of many, but I realized the beauty in our “May-December” was that we didn’t have the same body but it’s not about bodies - is it?
“Tell me about this beautiful thing that holds your soul. Where did that scar come from? What is your favorite thing to eat or do? How have you lived? When were you last brave?” This is what I want to know, what is most attractive to me.
So why then am I erasing the roadmap of my life in fear of my love being rejected? I have to stop beating Sue up for doing amazing things like fucking surviving. I have created three beautiful children, I care for my mother through her struggles with dementia, I find grace for my brother and his mental health, I have survived a cyber attack that ripped through my life and stole my home from me and I show up for those in my life even when and especially when I am exhausted and think I have nothing left.
So, no, I should not be seeking the life Instagram's algorithm spits out to line the pockets of those who profit off of a low self-image. I should be treating myself the way I treat others - with acceptance and gratitude. But let's acknowledge that acceptance and gratitude have increasingly become marketing tools that are used against us. We forget the power of the things we survived and how amazing we are because we are told to erase them. All the reminders of our badassery can be conveniently faded with a cream that can be set up on a subscription.
The Tech Transparency Project found that Instagram recommends accounts full of disturbing images to females who are interested in losing weight.
“Our research reveals multiple loopholes in Instagram's product design and safety policies, which make Instagram a danger to the mental health and physical well-being of one its most vulnerable user groups: people with eating disorders……Instagram not only fails to enforce its policies, but it also proactively recommends toxic body image content to its adult and teen users. In this way, Instagram fuels the idealization and marketization of dangerous body ideals.”
Let’s dive into social media marketing so I can share a powerful lesson I learned about cybersecurity this year. If you are not paying for the service you are the product. Let's say it again…..If you are not paying for the service you are the product.
So how do we pay for Instagram? Which is an unhealthy ecosystem of comparison 100% rooted in sales. We pay for it with our behavior. Our likes and dislikes. Our past purchases and purchases we almost made but didn’t. This profile of you is being sold to data brokers to curate products that often prey on your insecurities ….yes, it's that smart. And companies often use this information to gift products to celebrities and influencers as part of a partnership to drive sales.
Can we afford these products?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But if we can’t - it creates desire.
Do we want these products?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But desire can often help us ignore whether or not we can afford it.
Do we need these products?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Need is much more subjective than afford. If we don’t like ourselves then a want easily feels like a need.
What’s important to remember is that very few - if any - of these products will make you look like these people because they have more help achieving these looks than most of us could ever fathom. It’s a one-hundred-foot drop of comparison.
So, with this basic platform that is a part of the fabric of everyone's life determining our value in the marketplace and life, why would we even start with the joy of a Christmas cookie? Why would we enjoy life without punishing ourselves for it? Because ultimately these are acts of togetherness. Passing a plate containing seven varieties of Christmas cookies, talking about each one as you do, is community. It is a gift of love from the baker, a mouth-watering beautiful choice that counters all the brutal choices we have to make in a year. It is often a family tradition that bonds.
My mother made sugar cookies for me every holiday, she shipped them wherever I was. It was the last batch, the unfrosted broken batch that broke my heart. I knew then her dementia had won the day. I always savored every cookie she made. I know how much harder she must have worked making that last batch and I would give anything to open a box of her cookies one more time.
What I see now is that It’s not the cookies or decadent dinners a few times a year that are hurting us - it’s the depression and anxiety from not being able to achieve a level of beauty that is one hundred percent manufactured. And when we are depressed and anxious we become dysregulated which fucks with our ability to enjoy who we are as we are. It’s no coincidence that dysregulated people make the best customers…… These days Mom would call all of that “bullshit.”
So, what if, after everything the world has gone through, after everything that it is going through now, we put down the platter of isolation and just let gratitude for what is in front of us seep in. It may weigh a bit more than just air, but it is gratitude and that is beautiful. So eat, and come January don’t look for ways to erase yourself because you lived, while ironically declaring all the ways you vow to be more dynamic this year. Just go do something fun and keep on living.
Cheers!
Now, let's go make some cookies, those quiet bad boys of love.