Chapter 2 : The Ship
It is impossible to tell the story of the ship without distracting from the lesson of the ship. The lesson lies under the privilege of my expectation. I expected food and water… and I had a nutritional expectation of that food. Mostly because I filled out several pages of paperwork regarding the issues of food, allergies and illness. I have never gone without water. This time, sitting alone, quarantined in a small room on a luxury liner in the ocean, I would go without both. Four days without water ( no, you can not drink the tap), 15 days without food that met my health requirements or well, any real requirement for any person. I was actually informed that nutrition was not the goal. People, like me, with invisible illnesses often get overlooked. You look fine… so you must be…….fine.
The mismanagement impacted everyone in different ways. We were supplied with 24 8oz bottles of water. A woman from Germany ran out of bottled water on day three…. No one knew that to get more would take days. I ran out a few days later and after several calls, including a call to shoreside in the US, there was a soft knock on the door at midnight and outside sat 6 bottles of water, like gold. I did however have 2 cases of Coke and 1 case of orange Fanta. I think that was to be a stand in for juice. What that is, is 768 tablespoons of sugar. I had time to do the math. You were aloud one 8oz juice box a week. That is if you could get internet in the 2 hour window allowed, on a Monday.
I recognize the inexcusable neglect on the part of the liner and will leave it at that. For that is not the point. I would never have gotten to the point without it. I think sometimes our lessons are buried deep and maybe you need to move the emotional or physical earth to truly experience them. I spent days squirling away bits of food for other days. After the madness of actually feeling I was loosing my mind, came the calm. I woke one morning and realized I had a yogurt and some nuts I had saved up. They would make a perfect parfait. I heated some water in the kettle and made an instant coffee. I had learned early that coffee was a privilege and so I rationed the grounds.
This morning I mixed the nuts into my yogurt and moved to a spot in the sun. I had taken to thanking God for the day from a child’s pose that had me ground more into my place on this planet than I expected. I had a few bites and got down on the floor. With arms outstretched, the peace that actually passes all understanding washed over me. I felt a mingling. Like somehow the personhood of Sue was moving over and God had fully showed up inside my being. I would say something profound here but I just remember that it was delightful. I had everything. Alone in a room in the middle of the ocean, I had food, I had coffee and I had him. There was truly nothing else to want. There was nothing else to be had.
Our longing is often tied to abundance. Did I somehow need this lesson? Probably. Had abundance made me lazy? Had I abandoned gratitude? Robin Wall Kimmerer says:
“It is our uniquely human gift to express thanks, because we have the awareness and collective memory to remember that the world could be otherwise.”
I am strangely, and yes ironically, grateful for the extremity of my time on the ship. Back on land, God still mingles in my soul, influencing the choices I make on how and who to be, and reciprocity. We do not walk alone, no matter where we are, no matter how we feel. Everything you want is already here. Everything you need will come. You are not lost, no matter how far you wander.